What no one tells you about checking all of the boxes.

I remember the moment well. I was driving my young kids (only aged three and eight months at the time) to my parents house for some much-needed babysitting. The sun was strong, and my mind was racing.

You see, only about a month or so prior, I had experienced an extreme panic attack right out of the blue.

I now understand, that my nervous system, taxed from months of postpartum anxiety, breastfeeding challenges and a broken foot on top of it all, was finally starting to begin its transcend from complete shutdown to a calmer, albeit still activated, state. Life was “getting a bit easier” but my body and brain had yet to catch up. Something was missing, and I had no clue where to even start.

Admittedly, I was in a bit of an internal frenzy. A breaking free of the dark night of my soul, on one hand, and an undeterrable drive to figure out my purpose beyond “mom” simultaneously.

Up until now, I lived what I thought was a normal, happy life. Why would I be so panicked? When I reflected back on my 34 years (at that time), I had literally checked ALL of the boxes we typically consider important for, or at least, indicative of, success and fulfillment: a fairly happy childhood, two degrees, an exciting and successful corporate career, a husband who loved me, two children, lots of friends, extensive travel, a healthy body, a curious mind … privilege and opportunities aplenty.

So why… why was I not happy? Why was my body in a full on panic about how I was going to spend my time on this planet?

In looking back, I totally get it. I see so clearly in hindsight the woman who was hanging on to outgrown ideals, and living life outside of herself, and not only that — I saw very similar patterns down the road in my clients as well.

That drive was the moment where I decided I was going to start sharing my life journey publicly. I hadn’t quite clicked into the coaching/serving aspect of this message yet, but I knew I had something to say and I wanted to voice the experience I had been living in for the past three years. I dropped off my kids and wrote a note in my iPhone with all of the topics I was going to start posting about on Instagram. I began posting later that day. This opened the door to what eventually has become my true calling. The fulfilment of desires I knew I had inside me but didn’t dare whisper out loud.

If you, too, have checked all those proverbial boxes but still find yourself wrestling with a sense of unfulfillment and lack of purpose, here are the three top reasons I believe you are still unhappy — and what you can do about it instead.

1. You are not living in alignment with what you truly value.

When was the last time you analyzed your core values and how they might have shifted? We have lived through so much of our own personal change, let alone the societal upheaval and complete re-working of our daily lives within the past two years. If you haven’t sat down and wondered about your values - it’s time to see what has shifted!

As a complimentary addition to this article, I am providing you with my core values worksheet. Go through and ask yourself the following questions, and journal more extensively on your reflection:

• Where am I living for others’ and not my own values?

• What am I doing every day/week that feels like a 1 or a 2 and how can I do less of this?

• What am I doing every day/week that feels like a 4 or a 5 and how can I do more of this, or similar?

2. You are not taking action towards a dream you don’t want to admit you have.

Do you secretly yearn for something? Do you tell yourself stories along the lines of, “if only this was another timeline…”? Do you see other women creating businesses, having families or making big life changes and you feel a twinge of resentment or jealousy? First of all - please don’t judge yourself. This is your heart’s way of letting you know what they have is also what you desire. It is also what can be yours, if you open yourself up to allow it. If you can embrace the community over competition mindset, you will be able to move through these feelings and comparison so much faster.

Where in your life do you feel like you might be lying to yourself? In your partnership or marriage? In actively dating or choosing to be consciously single? In your career? In corporate or entrepreneurship? In your choice to work or be at home with your kids? Get quiet, get honest.

Try to dismantle your fear. Befriend it, instead. Ask yourself what the story is that says you “can’t” do something. Understand how this tries to protect you (likely your brain wants to stay in a safe and comfy zone), and then try to slowly challenge yourself to start facing this fear in some capacity. Maybe make that first social post. Do the research on the idea you have. Dangle out the invitation to your husband to join you in an intimate moment. Stop telling yourself all the reasons why something can’t work (because you’ve decided it won’t) — and start telling yourself all the reasons why you can’t stay where you are without changing something, in some capacity.

3. You need more time to yourself to develop hobbies and interests.

If you’ve recently had some major life transitions: marriage or breakup, babies or two (or three!), or changing careers within an unstable world, you might feel out of touch with your old self, or even trying to wrap your head around how to fit in time for fun and pleasure in a now fuller and more busy life. It IS possible! But there are two important factors in getting more time to yourself to do the digging: boundaries and communication.

Something I wish all women would understand is that pursuing your joy unapologetically is actually THE BEST THING you could ever do for your family or the people that count on you. When you are tapped out emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually … it shows. You feel it, and so do they. It is not enough to pour into everyone’s cup just to get one drop into yours. Instead, if we focused on letting our cups be SO FULL that they overflow into everyone else’s, most of us would walk around feeling a lot different than we do as women, caregivers and service providers.

So how do you actually 1) take more time and 2) sit with your guilt about it?

It is crucial that you express your feelings and desires before you hit a place of resentment. Self-awareness plays a huge role in first of all even asking yourself what you need in any given moment or point in time. Paired with empathy for the other person (“I know you want to relax after work”), assertiveness for your own needs (“I’ve had a rough day and I could really use an hour to walk around the block”) and respect (“thank you for supporting me today”), you can release the judgement you might’ve initially had on others (“he doesn’t care!”) and turn it back on yourself as empowerment to ask for what you need.

As for the guilt?? Well, lady, that’s years of conditioning needing release. Perhaps you should consider booking a free consultation call with me, below. Here we’ll chat about why you feel guilty taking care of yourself and how you can move through the feelings, feed your soul AND still feel connected to your people. Plus, you walk away with strategies you can implement immediately.

Cheers, to you and all of your future happiness.