What to do when you find yourself living in regret.
I’ve recently found myself wrestling with the theme of regret in my life. Pondering the ways in which I have unconsciously self-sabotaged to protect my sensitive heart, or the ways in which I consciously chose to lean into fear and let myself down just the same.
When we stop to pause and consider all the ways in which I have regret throughout my life, it can feel momentarily paralyzing, or overwhelming. Whether it be in the words I said (or even more so, words I didn’t say), feelings not expressed clearly, boundaries I didn’t uphold, risks and chances I didn’t take, or the simple fact that despite telling myself at the time that I would have “no regrets about this” … my evolution as a human proved otherwise.
Yet on the other hand, I have a deep faith in this journey. That my life’s curriculum really is for me (and me alone) to navigate in an effort to find fulfillment and joy along the way. I don’t believe in living in regret – but I am still a human being with many experiences of regret along the way. This is what I’ve come to learn and the tools I pull on when I find myself living in regret:
1. Check the Bias.
Our brains have this remarkable ability to keep us safe. In fact, they use a verrry sneaky trick called the negativity bias to keep us in check. That is, our brains will recall and reuse any information at its disposal to scare us back into our safe spaces. This is particularly true when it comes to protecting our feelings. Our entire nervous system is dedicated to feeling safe. Based on our own individual traumas, experiences and ancestral history, our bodies are literally designed to protect us.
So how does this present when we’re feeling regret? Well, one way is that our distorted thoughts tend to spiral. (If you’re not already familiar with the cognitive distortions, I urge you to check out my free training, A Mindset For Miracles. We deep-dive into all ten of the distortions and how they twist up your thinking which only keeps you feeling like sh*t).
Our distorted thoughts around what we regret could present itself as all-or-nothing thinking, magnification of our flaws, minimization of our strengths, fortune-telling what “could’ve been”, or labelling ourselves as stupid, weak, scared or incapable, to name a few.
But here’s what these distortions can’t do: they can’t challenge themselves – WE have to do that. It’s honestly our duty as we evolve to understand the stories our brains tell ourselves in order to heal from the painful emotions they inflict on our hearts. We don’t need to feel trapped in the past, regretful over what we did or didn’t do, or angry at ourselves – but instead we choose to do this when we let the distortions run unchecked.
If you are running an event or situation over and over in your mind and living in regret, I highly encourage you to study the cognitive distortions and see how they might be keeping you from moving on, maintaining the negativity bias, and ultimately, holding you back from living in emotional freedom.
2. Get Curious.
Ok, so let’s say we regret not making that career move that presented itself a long time ago. Or we wish a romantic partnership went another way. Or we said and did a bunch of things to other people that doesn’t align with who we are today … How can we let our regrets become our greatest teacher?
The answer is simply by getting curious – why are these lessons showing up now? What do we need to ask ourselves to heal? Where do we need to give ourselves more compassion? Chances are, in each of those example scenarios and in a hundred other ones: we were trying to protect ourself in some way. We made a decision based on what we knew at the time. We did our best with what we had.
Where in your life NOW can you apply the lessons you are learning from your regret? Do you need to take more chances with what you want to do with your life? Do you need to learn how to communicate more effectively with your current partner? Do you owe someone an apology (no, it’s never too late) or does the apology belong to your own soul? Having both curiosity and compassion for why the regret is popping up today and what you can do to both learn from it and alleviate its weight is the medicine required to move into a more high-vibrational, let alone functional, state of mind.
3. Trust, and Trust Some More.
I have a deep-rooted belief in that, if you’ve done the work, the Universe will provide. Meaning, what is meant for us will always find us. Even that which we’ve lost can find it’s way back. But it’s not enough to simply wish or hope - we must take aligned action (even small baby steps count) towards what our hearts desire.
Let’s recall the lessons our regret has taught us: with this in mind, how can we take that next step, TODAY, to learn from the past and create more happiness in life - now and going forward. I always like to remember this analogy about the past: it’s simply a house we don’t live in anymore. We now have a new view, a new perspective. We will waste that new view if we do not fully root ourselves into it - and into the present moment.
Our regrets are part of our story, but they don’t define us. They shine a light on the things we hold as important to our personal evolution. They can be our greatest teachers, but they are not meant to be our captors. Releasing regret is possible once you understand – with compassion – why you made the choices you did and how you can take action today to live a life (and make decisions) that are more authentically aligned to your soul.
If you are ready to start looking forwards, rather than backwards, I suggest booking a free consultation with me below. We will create a next-steps strategy for you to start LIVING, fully.
