The art of effective communication.
How to enhance your relationships with empathy, assertiveness and healthy boundaries.
I shared this topic in a Masterclass recently and it’s been popping up all week - funny how the Universe has a way of really enforcing the growth and messages we are required to learn through certain seasons of our lives. Everywhere I look it seems to be so much of the same story: “I don’t feel heard.” “No one understands me.” “There’s no point in trying to keep communicating with this person … they just don’t listen.” “It shouldn’t be so difficult to get through to someone.”
Ok, maybe you are right. It is certainly true that there are some people who, try as we might, we simply cannot communicate effectively with. And no one is forced to stay in a relationship (intimate, familial, friendship or professional) if it is truly not working. But here’s the thing - leaving is simply one option. There are still two more to explore when it comes to our relationships: one is accepting the status quo, and the other is actively working on fixing it. IF you are looking to actively fix the communication breakdowns in your relationship - then read on! IF you decide to end the relationship, read on anyways to ensure you have some tools for the next time around. Or IF you desire to simply accept the status quo … well then we likely weren’t a good fit for this conversation anyways ;).
Often when I tell my clients who come to me with complaints about a relationship, that we are going to focus on what they bring to the table … they seem a bit surprised. I mean - they are actively working on themselves, how could they be part of the problem? Well, my dear: it takes two hands to make a clapping sound, does it not? Ultimately, we can only control ourselves and how we show up in a relationship. Likely you’ve already tried fixing the other person … how is that going for you? Believe me - as someone who has been there more times than I can count - no matter how well-intentioned our efforts are to rescue, help or fix another are: they simply don’t work. Humans intrinsically balk at the thought of being fixed by another. And it makes sense - if the tables were turned, how would you feel? No one wants the power of choice in their own self-development taken from them.
So what to do? Well, this is actually where the magic happens. Because once you start to take accountability for your behaviour, thoughts and actions and actively work on changing THAT - the people who are meant to be on your journey do exactly the same.
If you’re a parent, you may have seen this experiment in action. How many times have you adjusted your attitude only to see if rub off on your child? Either positively or negatively, it is an absolute proven (and experienced) fact that your mood does influence your child’s behaviour. So what if our other relationships weren’t that different? It would certainly make a LOT of sense.
Here’s the thing: when it comes to other people, we have yet another set of choices. We could stay and wait for them to change (more of that status quo stuff … yuck). We could try to force them to change. Or, we can change ourselves. Maybe that means leaving, ultimately, yes. Or maybe it means better boundaries of your time and energy. Potentially it is just a few small shifts in how we relate that could make a world of difference. For those perspective shifts - yet again, read on.
I love the acronym EAR for effective communication. Mostly because it’s easy to remember, but also because it’s a reminder to use more of our ears than our mouths (something I definitely struggle with myself, I will totally admit). Coined by one of the masters of CBT, Dr. David Burns, EAR stands for: empathy, assertiveness and respect. All good communication contains each of those things. All bad communication does not. And guess what? This is BY FAR the game-changer in communicating what you want, need and desire from another person.
Here’s a breakdown of what good and bad communication both look like using EAR:
Good communication: you acknowledge the other person’s feeling and find truth in what they’re saying (E). You express your feelings openly, directly and tactfully using “I feel” statements (A). You convey caring and respect, even if you’re feeling frustrated or annoyed with the other person (R).
Bad communication: you don’t acknowledge the other person’s feelings or find any truth in what they’re saying (E). You argue defensively or attack the other person (A). You belittle the other person or treat them in a cold, competitive or condescending way (R).
*both examples sourced from Feeling Good Together.
But I get it: remaining open to EAR when you are triggered yourself can feel both incredibly uncomfortable and awkward as you experiment with validating an opinion that might not match with yours, or when you feel your needs are not met or boundaries are not upheld. That is why I have developed an incredible technique for positioning almost any awkward conversation. It’s called Embrace, and it goes a little bit like this:
Embrace where the other person might be coming from, using thought or feeling empathy.
State your own feelings, needs or boundaries with an “I feel” or “I need” statement.
Ask a simple yes/no question of the other.
Say thank you for whatever you receive.
In practice, this could shift a conversation that traditionally starts with “what will it take to get you to help out around here?!” to “I know you’ve had a long day and are tired. I feel burned out after juggling all my sh*t today. Do you think you could help me with these dishes so we can relax together? Thank you.” This works for ALL ages and stages of human. How about this one: “I know you’re having so much fun watching that movie! I need you to come wash up for dinner. Do you think you could turn the tv off by yourself? Thank you!”. And yes, obviously this works wonders professionally: “I know you are super concerned with getting this report out to our client next week. I need one more day to work on it. Do you think you could accept it by 5pm tomorrow? Thank you.”
Ok, ok, I know what you’re gonna ask: what happens if they say no? Well, it is possible. So my question in turn to you would be, at what stage of a relationship will you put yourself first if someone is constantly denying your feelings, wants and needs? Or, in the case of a child, what other parenting strategies can you call on to help navigate the discussion? BELIEVE ME when I say this: it is incredibly hard to say no to the Embrace technique when it is used properly. Because there are not many people who first get to hear about themselves and their feelings, see you advocate respectfully for your own, and still decide to be a jerk about it. But, hey, that can be their status quo. It doesn’t need to be yours.
How can I help you in navigating the difficult discussions in your life? Book a free consultation call with me below and find out. I guarantee you will walk away with actionable steps to shift your relationships immediately.
